This is the second post in our self-esteem series. You can view the first post here.
This post will discuss the concept of “Conditional Self-Esteem”. Let’s start with the definition! As the name suggests it is when we base our self-worth on some external condition(s). Anything has the potential to be a condition for someone’s self-esteem. Conditions can range from salary, house, car, the number of children, having a partner, success of children, strength, athletic prowess, sexual prowess, tattoos, size of your home, etc. If there is a way to compare ourselves to others, it is likely that someone, somewhere has that comparison as part of their conditional self-esteem.
What does this look like in action? If you rank people on a scale where 1 (at the top of the scale) represents the most important people in the world, and 100 (at the bottom of the scale) represents the least important people in the world, conditional self-esteem is going to place people on the scale based on certain conditions. If a person’s conditional self-esteem is money and they are the wealthiest person in the world, then they will rank themselves as the most important person in the world (the number 1 spot). If they are the poorest person in the world, then they will rank their importance at the bottom (the number 100 spot). If they are of average wealth, then they will rank their importance somewhere in the middle. We must remember that this example is simplistic. As human beings, we are complex creatures who will have multiple different conditions that make up our self-esteem
What we must understand about conditional self-esteem is that it is very unhealthy. You might be reading this post and thinking “sure if you are not meeting your conditions”. Unfortunately, even if you achieve all the conditions that make up your self-esteem, this is still considered unhealthy. There are 3 primary reasons why this can be unhealthy and problematic.
The first reason conditional self-esteem is considered unhealthy is related to how important self-esteem is to our overall health. There have been numerous research studies that have shown how important self-esteem is when it comes to health, success, happiness, relationships, and overall life satisfaction. When we have conditional self-esteem, we take this element of our well-being and make it external. Of course, we have some effect on our conditions, but they are never totally within our control. A person with wealth as their condition can make a lot of correct moves and build wealth only to have some tragedy beyond his control destroy the wealth they had created. This would result in destroying their self-esteem leading to difficulties in life. If something is so fundamental to our well-being, it is best if it is fully in our control.
Next, let’s imagine someone with conditional self-esteem based on being in a relationship. If the individual is in a relationship, they see themselves as important. If they are single, they see themselves as not important. Let say the individual in our example is in a relationship and is feeling good about themself. However, let’s also say that over time their partner becomes verbally and physically abusive. What is this person likely to do? If their self-esteem is tied to being in a relationship the individual is more likely to stay in an abusive relationship, even if they value safety and wellbeing in relationships. This is the second danger to conditional self-esteem. Because self-esteem is so tied to our well being we can start to go against our values to meet the conditions of our conditional self-esteem. This leaves us in a no-win situation because living according to our values is also an important part of well-being.
The third reason is that it impacts our ability to grow as we go through life. If self-esteem is conditional, it will result in you only engaging in activities that you might know you will have success in. Initially, you might have plenty of activities to enjoy in the beginning, but as life progresses, you can start to lose activities based on external factors like aging or meeting other people who are better than you at an activity. As your ranking goes down in certain activities, you may engage them less and less over time because it won’t feel as good to do them. And of course, we aren’t usually excellent at things the first time out, so you become less likely to add new activities as you move through life. Without learning new things, it becomes harder to grow.
So, there you have it! Hopefully, after reading this, you will have a better understanding of conditional self-esteem. We are all likely to have some elements of conditional self-esteem. What is important is that we are aware of them and do not fall into the trap of having them rule our lives. Take some time to think about the conditions of your self-esteem. Identify them and be sure that they are not taking over and leading you down the path to conditional self-esteem.
Check in again soon for the next post in our self-esteem series!