Why do we often find ourselves setting the same resolutions over each year?
Most of us were grateful to see the end of 2020 and allow the opportunity to welcome 2021 with open arms. The pain and grief of the last 9 months have been challenging for many of us and left us hoping for a brighter future as we transition into the New Year. I don’t know about you, but around this time of year I always start to feel the pressure to set resolutions for the New Year and that’s felt even more amplified as we head into 2021. That leaves me here wondering, how do we stop them from falling apart? Sticking to resolutions can be really challenging and the truth of the matter is that most people are unable to follow through on what they set out to do. But why do they all fall apart?
Well, for starters the primary reason is that most resolutions set are too big and not realistic. Starting with small challenges and slowly building on these challenges over the course of the year is far more likely to be successful. We need to start reframing how we think about our resolutions. What are the steps required to getting you there? By breaking it down into manageable chunks, it makes it easier to look ahead to the next step and continue building on each step without feeling overwhelmed.
So, let’s reframe the way look at resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are often one time¸ single commitments to make a change. The truth of the matter is that most behavior changes require more than one attempt. This means it might be worthwhile dropping the term New Years’ resolution altogether and instead focusing on your ongoing goals, things that you can integrate throughout your life, not just a fad to focus on for a few weeks. Goals are specific, actionable, and make them more likely to be achieved if they are set properly.
The therapists at ITS all like to use the SMART framework for goal setting. SMART is an acronym that stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant and Time-Bound. This framework encourages you to set something specific that can be quantified over time. It is the difference between shooting at a target while blindfolded when you have never practiced archery in your life vs. being able to see the target and practice your shot before attempting it. Instead of saying “I’d like to save money this year”, try saying “I’d like to save ___ dollars by June of this year. I can do that by setting aside ____ dollars from each paycheque”. In the second example you can see that the goal is specific (goes into detail about what you want), measurable (sets a specific amount), and time-bound (by having a date in mind). This goal would be attainable and realistic/relevant if the goal-setter has the means to set aside money, has a savings account in place, and feels that it is an important goal in their life right now.
Some goals are easier to set than others, particularly if there is an easy way to quantify them. Maybe you are looking to set goals that cannot necessarily be turned into a number, like “I want to build trust with my partner”. If that is the case, you can still follow the SMART framework, but it might look a little bit different. For example, you might want to consider sitting down with your partner and asking questions like “What can I do to rebuild trust?” “Are there specific things I do that help you to trust me?” “What does trust look like or feel like for you?”. Take these answers and tailor them to the SMART framework. For example, maybe your partner tells you that they feel trust rebuilding when the two of you have quality time together. This then leaves you with a sub-goal to set, like building in time together each week or quality dates, which ultimately leads back to your overarching goals.
The reality is that we sometimes falter. Goals are hard to follow-through on and so we can do our best to plan for success but there’s also value in considering how we respond to the failures. Do you feel defeated and tell yourself that you are not capable of doing it? Do you criticize yourself and engage in negative self-talk? Goal setting can be a great moment to reflect on the importance of self-compassion, asking ourselves questions like “What would I say to a friend or loved one?” “Are there other people who might be struggling to follow through as well?”. Instead of engaging in critical conversation with ourselves, we need to recognize that we are human beings, and nobody is perfect. So instead of focusing on what you didn’t do, is there a way to focus on what you did do? That helps us to feel more motivated to refocus and return to what we had set out in the first place.
Here at ITS we work with clients on goal setting year-round. Some of the main goals we hear are related to improved mood, better sleep, health, motivation, addictive behaviors, and improved relationships. If you think you would like to meet with one of our therapists and talk about your goals, contact our intake and let us know how we can help you.